Problem: I have recently found out that my spouse of 10 years has been cheating on me for the past year. I feel devastated, and at the same time relieved to finally know. I was sure that I was going crazy, because there were so many things that just did not add up. This past year we had a child after many years of being childless. I think this was part of the problem, as my spouse was never sure he actually wanted to raise a child.
He was reluctant to have children, because of his own crazy childhood. And I was sure I wanted a child, because I had a loving childhood. We just seemed to reach an impasse and when I just let go of the idea of becoming pregnant, I became pregnant. I thought it was a miracle, and he hardly commented and did not seem to feel the same joy. For the past months I have been at home alone, with our child and he has found reason after reason not to be here. I thought he was just afraid and did not know how to be there, but he was also absent and not trying, and more than that, he was cheating.
In my logical mind I think I can forgive him, because I love him, but I have this feeling of repulsion on the other. He is doing what his father did to his family, and I wonder how this can be. He knows how devastating it was to him and his mom, and he went out and did the same thing. He is begging me to forgive him and talking about how he was confused and did not behave well. He says it's over with him and the other woman, and it sounds so crazy to me, but I believe him. I love him now, as I have loved him for so much of my life. Is it possible to get over something like this and have a good marriage after all?
Discussion: I believe that people are drawn together for some good reason, but our basic unfinished business that follows into the marriage is usually what keeps us from having the most functional marriages.
Do I believe that you can have a successful marriage even after an affair? I believe the answer is yes. I would say that you both need to sit down and evaluate what happened and get some help from a good counselor that does couples work. I really don't encourage just rehashing old material, but to get in and work on issues, so you can learn and move on. A counselor allows you to get things off your chest in a way that does not offend your partner or vice versa. You both have issues that are yours to work on, but it seems to me that you have issues of marriage to work on at the same time. Please find someone to talk to so that this person can guide you through this rough time.
Tip: Believe in the potential of marriage and dig in there and work on the issues and you will find a much better, healthy, loving relationship!