Family safety

Problem: My wife is not a citizen of this country and we are working hard at getting her papers in order. This issue has made bigger issues for me, as she will have to return to her native country and wait for interview there.

We have two small children and I work full time. She is talking about taking the children with her, but she is very fearful of those consequences. Her country is not safe, and that was one of the reasons she came to the United States years ago.

I want to tell her that everything will be okay, but have heard from other people that they have seen these situations turn out badly. I am from the U.S. and have family here, and a good portion of her family is in South America. I cannot say don't take the children as they have not ever met their grandparents there. My concern is for her welfare and safety. I am not doing a very good job of saying what I mean, because it is such an emotional issue for both of us.

We are committed to getting through this and being a family after this is all over. What do I do to reassure her that I am not trying to keep her children from her? She makes it sound like I am being selfish.

Discussion: This is a tough situation. Caring communication is needed in order for you to both be understood. Have you thought of talking to your minister or a counselor? I would definitely recommend this in order to create a sense of safety for both of you. It seems that this an emotionally charged issue that includes safety and welfare concerns.

When people are stressed their worst fears and so forth come out, which makes it that much more difficult to communicate. Because of the stress you may not be hearing what she is saying and vice versa.

If you can set the stage of looking for the best possible outcome with safety being a primary concern, I think you will get further in your conversation. I would not look for problems and what might happen, but simple ideas of how to get through this trying time. People who have a sense of faith often pray together and therefore find comfort in that.

Primarily I am encouraging a third party to listen to your concerns and someone who has experience in marital issues to help in guide you in your conversation.

Tip: Be patient and kind, and that will carry you a long way.

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