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Dealing with death, aging parentsProblem: I am having such a time dealing with aging parents. I didn't know what it was like to have to go through death and dying issues, but recently I lost a dear friend. She had cancer and it was so sad to see her go. I thought I did pretty well coping with this, but now I have parents that are not doing well, and I feel rather down a lot of the time. I am wondering if this is a natural thing to feel so sad at times. I work and can get through most of the day pretty well, but sometimes when I get home and no one is around my mind starts dwelling on the past and my parents and everything else that could go wrong. Am I depressed or just sad? I have to say that this is not my usual way of handling life. Discussion: It is difficult to lose a friend or people that you love at any time in your life. I am not certain that anyone breezes through these kinds of issues well, but in the course of our lives we all have to face death. You have been fortunate not to have had to deal with this issue often, it seems. With aging parents it is difficult to be prepared for many things much less their death. Perhaps the most difficult part of this whole issue is lack of control. Maybe we get through life thinking that we have some sense of being in charge, but death is a reality that we are never in charge of. My encouragement is that you give yourself the time to grieve for your friend and not bundle all of this turmoil into one package. Your parents and their issues of health and whatever may be making you think in terms of death and dying is separate from your friend. Do what you can in the here and now for parents, friends and family. Know that you did the best and know that you will grieve regardless, because it is natural to miss people you love when they are no longer here in body. There are so many things that people say to comfort, but this is just one of those times when you go within and deal with things in your way. Death of family and so forth brings up so many emotions and that is natural. It takes time and owning where you happen to be at any given moment. Grief is a process that no one can predict for you, so you must be sensitive to yourself and give yourself the time you need to feel sad or whatever you are feeling in any moment. It is okay. Tip: When we honor the living with our caring, kindness and love--we honor ourselves. If you have done the best you could have done, then I believe it frees you up to be okay with death--maybe not comfortable, but okay. After all is said and done, we are not in charge of who lives or dies. We are only responsible for living a good life and possibly having made a difference in someone else's life. P. S. I think you are dealing with the sad part of the process of grief.
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