Dealing with marriage problems

Problem: This is very hard to say, but the truth is that I have fallen out of love with my husband. When I say this, it is with a very heavy heart. I do not even like him, to be honest about it.

We were so different when we met, and I guess I expected it would be exciting and good all the way through marriage, but after a couple of children and a lot of neglect, I am done. I feel very heartless saying that the feelings that I had, died from lack of nourishment, but it is true. When I look inside, I feel empty when I think of him; I would have to say that I have better friends on the outside of the marriage than I have in it.

I consider us both fairly bright and able people, so how could it go so bad after such a short time. I tried, believe me, I tried, but at some point of getting nothing back, I just quit. Why should I have to work so hard on a relationship that is going nowhere? Well the upshot is that I want a divorce and to have the opportunity for a better life, and now he has seen the light and wants to work on the marriage. What is this man thinking? For seven years I have told him it would come to this and I guess he just did not believe me. I am very angry that he did not listen, and I don't think there is any going back.

Discussion: It does make me wonder how he could see the light when the relationship was ending. I have seen so many relationships that have died because of lack of care and lack of good solid communication. It almost sounds like you were doing much of the work and you let him slide for a long time. That might be one of the reason he did not get it.

Many times women feel that they are being clear, but there behavior reflects something else. When you say things have to get better, because this is not working, you have to be able to support what you mean. This is not a slide by conversation and things go back the way it was, because there would be no way for your partner to get that kind of behavior. If you say it, mean it and follow through.

For the interests of children and the possibility of things getting to a better point, I would strongly suggest counseling. I would offer that to your partner, so that someone can help you assess the relationship and to see if there is a marriage that can be saved with good solid work. Surprisingly people do fall back in love, and I have seen miracles come from good solid work.

It is so difficult when you have had years of little communication to know exactly how you feel. When I suggest a reputable counselor look for someone who has been married for a good long time, who has some experience with what you are talking about. All marriages go through rough times, because of the nature of marriages. They are not all going to fail unless people do little work to care for their marriage.

Tip: When you least feel like caring--it is time to care, when you think you are out of energy, search and you will find it, if it meant to be you will find a way to make it happen. Perhaps this is in the spiritual realm of understanding, but the Good Lord does help us to find a way often when there appears to be no way.

9/1/08
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Date: 8/26/08

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