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Parenting twinsProblem: The problem is my set of twins. They are so different in personality, and I have little sympathy for one of them. The child is a terror and the other twin is an angel. Obviously, they are not identical in nature or in looks. I am disappointed in my own behavior, but as I mentioned it is hard for me to parent my problem child. I have tried to look at my behavior and I wonder if I don't treat him somehow differently than I treat the better-behaved twin. I think I have a bias against the one that has given me such a hard time. He is the one that is generally in time out, because he always seems to be in trouble. He is one of the most stubborn people I know, next to me. My mother said he and I have very similar personalities, but that is really hard to believe. My twins are 4 and next year they go off to school, and I wonder if the really difficult one should be separated from his better behaved brother. It is not hard to notice their differences, and I don't want the teacher to single one out as the good kid, and the other one to have problems from the beginning. My husband says it is me and the way I treat him, and maybe it is. He pushes me to the limit. I want to be a good mom, so I am willing to do whatever it takes. Please give me some feedback. Discussion: It is not unusual to have a conflict with a child, but you do need to remember that he is a child and needs your guidance. If he as stubborn and you are stubborn, this could be a clash of wills. One wants to win, and the other is unwilling to give in. Since you are the parent, it makes sense to stay out of power games with a child. It sounds like he is strong willed, and not likely to give in. But the fact is that I have observed over time that children like this are often looking for someone to appreciate them. If you are truly similar in nature to this child, you might think back a little and ask yourself what you most wanted as a child. Chances are that he is asking for some of the same kind of things you wanted as a child. Children love to be loved and appreciated. The problem with a strong willed child is that they are often breaking the rules and are seldom appreciated. If you could look at his good points and tell him about them, you might have a better chance of reaching him. It seems to me that if he is in trouble a lot, he may not get to hear what you like about him, but rather the opposite. Our jobs as parents are to set healthy boundaries for our children and give them skills to be out in the real world. Ask yourself how you might be doing that with your more or less selective desire to say that he is a terror. You don't want a child to have a label; you want him to have support. Remember: When a child is his least lovable he most wants love. If you really have a clash with a person, grown or not, it is often the likeness that we share that is part of the conflict. Stubborn people are hard to deal with, and if we are stubborn it is that much more difficult to deal with that characteristic in another person. If you need help, go to a competent therapist and get some help. You are not required to have all the answers, and it sounds as if you could use a good coach with this child. 3/3/08 Date: 3/3/08 Advertisement
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