Being laid-back or taking charge

Problem: I have relatives that drive me crazy, and I know that we probably got off on the wrong foot from the beginning. My husband is the favored child in his family, and the baby of his big family. I am the oldest in my family. My husband is a go along kind of guy and I am a take-charge sort of person. I think I came off as kind of bossy during our first get togethers and I think that I have been labeled as a not so nice person. This family of his hint rather loudly that I should let my husband have a say in what is going on.

I believe that he does have a say in all that we do. We do not discuss our private life with his family, and he seems to revert back to his youngest child syndrome when we go back into the family. It makes me sick to see him kissing up to his family and of course they push my buttons because they push him around. That is the conflict, they want to run him and I don't think they should, so we have had words about this very thing. What should I do when my spouse acts like a child around his family and they are only too happy to treat him as such.

Discussion: Maybe it is time for you to sit back and let your husband take charge of his life or not. It really is not his family that is driving you crazy; it is the dynamics of his family that you are reacting to. It seems like an unfair thing to you, but I cannot see your husband standing up for himself, when you are busy taking over for him. Maybe at the next family function your agenda would be to let him speak for himself? This would be a good start on you stepping back and not taking charge. You might be surprised when you are laid back your husband actually finds his voice.

It is really an act of will that allows you to step back and let him find his way in the world. The baby of the family is a master of not only getting his way, but also allowing others to do his work for him. You may not get this example, but you are doing exactly what you accuse his family of: taking over for your husband. This is not the fault of anyone in particular, but the tendency of the youngest child to be nurtured and cared for my older siblings and parents for a good long time. The difference is that you stepped into the care taking role, and I imagine it is more of the same for him. Step back and give him a chance to do what he thinks he should.

This does not take away from the fact that you need to sit down, discuss and find out what you both need as a plan of action as a couple. He needs to take the lead on this, or he will just learn that you are willing to speak and act for him. This will do nothing for his self-esteem in the long run, or for your marriage for that matter.

Tip: If you will do everything for someone, they really have no good reason to do for themselves. Just do your part and let others do theirs.

7/7/08
None\6-C

Date: 6/30/08

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