Relationship abuse

Problem: I am not sure what to do, but I have spent most of my adult life living with some kind of relationship abuse. I really believe that I am at the source of some of this problem. I seem to attract the wrong kind of guy. I have been married three times and about to be married again, but I feel like maybe I should just wait and be single for a time. Of all the men I have met, this man is one of the dearest men I have ever come across.

I am not a stupid woman; I run my own business and make a good living and am not looking for anyone to support me, because I can do that for myself. I want to be loved so badly and be in a long-term relationship. The only problem with this guy is that he wants to take care of me, and I am not used to that, from a man. Mostly I am used to them using me for what I can provide them. If there is a problem with this man, it is almost that, he is too nice. Sometimes I just do not know what to do for him, because he is busy doing for me. To add to the equation, he works for me.

I am confused and in love, and want this to work, so what do I do? I am afraid that I will ruin this relationship and I'll be alone again.

Discussion: Your history kind of speaks for itself, and as you said you have found those men who have taken advantage of you. You are partially correct in your being a part of the problem. You have been a magnet to those who would abuse and misuse. I can only guess that through all of the failed you must have gained some kind of insight into your behavior, because you have found a different kind of man.

You may be bright and able and capable of running a business, but maybe you need some insight into relationships. Why don't you sit down with your significant other and discuss your background a bit, and ask him if he would be willing at some point to go with you to a few couple counseling sessions. You can call it premarital guidance or whatever you want, but the bottom line is that if this relationship has a prayer, you need to learn a little more about relationships.

Your statement that you can take care of yourself, is a little misleading as you cannot have a relationship with someone else, if either one of you is out of balance in the area of sharing, caring, or taking care of your partner. That is the rub; this is a partnership where you both are responsible for part of the work, and that includes some care taking as needed.

Tip: In relationships there is not a big question of who is taking care of whom, because there is that suggests: it just does not matter, because you both are doing what needs to be done in the relationship.

8/4/08
None\6-C

Date: 7/25/08

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