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"Honey? Where's the checkbook?"These four words have the power to strike terror in the hearts of all farm wives--"Unaccompanied farmer with checkbook." Nine times out of ten, most rural divorces could be stopped if someone just had the foresight to chaperone farmers with checkbooks when they're out in public. Such a "farmer chaperone" could stop the scourge of rusting junk piles of used farm equipment bought at auctions and hauled home like trophies to refurbish. The chaperone could serve in her stead as a gentle reminder that if her farmer brings home yet another hulk of junk she'll be sorely unhappy and lawyers will be consulted. A farmer chaperone might halt the buying of potloads of snot-nosed steer calves that will be fed out and sold at an imaginary "profit" during times of high corn prices. The chaperone could pose the question, "well, does it pencil out?" when the farmer starts to develop his hair-brained business schemes, and, if need be, physically throw themselves in front of the farmer so the auctioneer can't take his bid. A farmer chaperone may even be able to stall the purchase of yet another handy, can't-live-without, his-life-won't-be-complete-unless-he's-got-it gadget at the state fair and the various farm shows. By simply steering the farmer away from the miles of booths selling gadgets and what-nots a farmer chaperone could save a farm wife valuable cupboard storage space for years. Can you imagine the business potential of such a service? With a single phone call a farm wife could be ensured that her husband will be under the watchful protection of a licensed professional when he goes out in public. The service would include checkbook babysitting, whereby the farmer chaperone would be entrusted with the care of the checkbook, writing down each transaction so that it could be accurately balanced at the end of the day. Just think, no more mystery checks for who knows what amount, written to a random someone at reconciliation time. Bank tellers and accountants would rejoice. Maybe a farm wife has a farmer with the collection bug. A farmer chaperone could put a stop to yet one more "collectible" from being added to the heap of toy tractors, antique tools, used license plates and western tack that may be cluttering her household. There could be farmer chaperones with the sole responsibility for the farmer's health and well-being. Maybe the farmer's on a special low-fat, no sodium diet. Simply inform the chaperone and all unapproved trips to the drive-thru, stops at the cafe for pie and coffee, and visits to the candy aisle at the farm supply store can be stopped in their tracks. A farmer chaperone can also be the nag in the front seat when his wife can't be there to remind him to buckle up, slow down at curves and otherwise shout helpful driving tips. A farmer chaperone may serve as a training service for the farmer. With simple voice commands and rewards for good behavior, a chaperone could have a farmer wiping his muddy feet before entering the house, remembering important family holidays and even bring home flowers once in a while. Truly, such an invaluable service could be the next wave in farmer intervention techniques, and forever abolish the dread of farm wives everywhere who hear: "Honey? Where's the checkbook?" Jennifer M. Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by e-mail at jlatzke@hpj.com. 9/3/07
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