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Helping problem children
Problem: My daughter has been going through a lot of stuff lately, and I feel so bad for her, yet am stumped as what to do. She was in a very brief relationship that ended badly, not too long ago. I don't think it was her fault that the relationship went bad, but she got involved with a pretty bad crowd afterward. The upshot is that she got involved in drugs/alcohol and bad company. I am surprised that all of this has happened, and want to help her, but her lying and so forth have put me into a pretty non trusting place. I have had her lie so many times and do not think that she will tell the truth no matter what. In fact the opposite is true, and I believe she will lie to support her habit. Her dad still wants to give in to her and help when she comes by the house with one of her outrageous stories about something or other, and she is broke and needs our help desperately. My daughter is very bright and comes up with some pretty tall tales of woe, but I am sure she is lying, the majority of the time. My daughter was on the fast track to succeed, and did well in college and afterward. The relationship is what really went bad, and turned her into someone I do not even know. How do I help my, and maintain my love of my child? I know that what she is asking for is wrong; our unquestioning, unconditional, continued help without question. I feel guilty and lost, but do know I can't help her destroy herself. Discussion: Your daughter is potentially harmful and lethal to herself, and if you help her to continue to maintain herself is such a dysfunctional way, you are part of the problem. It is difficult not to feel guilty when you have a family member who needs help, when the help she is asking for is the part that will harm in the long run. If you give her financial support knowing she is using, you have enabled the continued behavior. If you invite her to dinner and see her nourished, you have shared and not harmed. I doubt if that is what she is asking for. You may hear: If you love me, you would help me. That is generally a manipulation. You probably have heard this before, from a young child trying to get their way. It isn't different when the person making the statement is an adult. It is an adult manipulating and attempting to get their way. Stand strong and believe what you believe, as you are probably right at this time. When she is clean and sober and attempting to get her life together, that is the time to support but not cripple her with infinite help. If you doubt yourself, find a support group where you can learn about addiction, and codependency. Tip: Loving someone does not require that you to support them for the rest of their lives, particularly when they are not supporting themselves, and obviously not in their right mind. Date: 8/27/07
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