Surprising the unsurprisable

By the time you read this in the High Plains/Midwest Ag Journal, Jan. 1, all your pretty presents will have been unwrapped, the toys will have been played with, and the leftovers of your Christmas dinner will surely be a memory.

I'm writing this, however, Dec. 18, the week before Christmas because I'm on an impossible mission to surprise my mother.

You see, my siblings and I have planned a special surprise for our mother this Christmas. As far as Mom Latzke knows, she and our father will be spending Christmas with only my older sister Joni and her husband Brian, while my brother James, his wife Jennifer and myself will be spending the holiday here in Kansas.

That's as far as she knows.

Because, back in August, my older siblings (in a creative and collaborative stroke of genius that I'm still awed at) decided we should surprise the folks and have all of us in Montana for Christmas.

Now, this wasn't going to be easy, and for one reason alone--our mother.

Mom is a human lie-detector. To this day I have yet to put anything past her "Mom-dar." It didn't matter if it was a birthday surprise present I'd made in art class or a secret junior high crush, she always knew. She's Santa Claus and the CIA all rolled up into one. Seriously, give her three minutes with a Guantanamo detainee and she'd find out where Osama Bin Laden is hiding.

Therefore, we had our work cut out for us if we were going to pull off this Christmas surprise.

Step one was a misinformation campaign of coordinated stories. Whenever Mom asked what my plans were at Christmas this past fall, I told her only that I would be spending it with James and Jennifer. I didn't mention where we'd be spending the holiday, and therefore I wasn't technically lying to my mother. (I knew I should have applied to law school.) Additionally, I kept telling her how much I was going to miss her this Christmas and that I wish there was any way I could make it to Montana, but work was going to keep me in Kansas for the holiday. When in doubt, blame it on a busy work schedule.

So far, so good.

Step two was in my sister's hands. It wouldn't do to have Mom send our presents to Kansas while we'd be spending the holiday in Montana. So, Joni told Mom to let her handle the mailing of the presents through her workplace because she could get a discount on postage. As of this writing, the Kansas-bound presents are currently riding safely around in the back of my sister's SUV. Likewise, I had to tell Mom that I was mailing the Montana-bound family gifts to Joni because of a fake postage discount here at the Journal.

She bought it.

Step three was getting the flight arrangements, which we left in the capable hands of my sister-in-law Jennifer. We have three tickets to Missoula, all on the same flight, on the afternoon of Christmas Eve. The only glitch? Jennifer booked two "Jennifer Latzkes" to fly on the same flight--there was no room for our middle names, which are thankfully different. Therefore, we might give the flight crew a few double-takes. It'll be good research for that novel I plan to write in my retirement, anyway.

Now, step four was a last minute change of plans after the events of Thanksgiving. Joni and Brian had trekked to Mom and Dad's for the big meal and Dad started making noises about surprising James, Jennifer and myself at Christmas by coming to Kansas. Joni tried every contingency story we had set up. "You don't want to drive in this weather this time of year." "Who would look after the animals while you're in Kansas?" "We were really excited for you to come to our new home for the holiday." "You know, fuel prices are outrageous and it'd be better if you visited them come Easter."

Dad didn't buy any of them. So, she took him aside and let him in on the scheme. This was a risky move, because Dad can't keep a secret to save his hide. After the threat of a brownie-baking-boycott, he's decided to cooperate, though. That man loves his chocolate.

So far, we're pretty sure Mom doesn't have a clue. This will be the first time in about five years all of the Latzkes will be under one roof for the holiday, and it's sure to be a smash. All that's left is to get my ducks in a row here at work, to make arrangements for Shiloh the Wonder Dog, and to hop on a plane for Montana.

Here's wishing your Christmas was as magical and suprising as ours is going to be.

Jennifer M. Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by e-mail at jlatzke@hpj.com.

Date: 12/22/06

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