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Thin ice, post Thanksgiving humor
by Richard C. Snell Barton County Extension Agent, agriculture Kansas As the weather changes and we head into winter, one of the things we warn people about is don't skate on thin ice. Obviously, I don't always practice what I preach because for this week's column I am probably skating on thin ice with everything in my column today. I'm not really going out on the ice (we don't have much yet). This first segment is thin ice only because I don't know the author and apparently most people don't. I was given this humorous e-mail Thanksgiving poem and it is posted on several websites. The problem is nobody seems to know who wrote it (it always says author unknown) and I would like to congratulate the poem's author because I thought it was pretty good. The other reason that I am a little hesitant is that it sometimes rubs me the wrong way when we start making food animals out to think like people and have them talking and such. Most people realize that we are just fantasizing and joking about the turkeys viewpoint. We always have to remember that their God-given purpose was to be food for us. Having said all that, even though I wrote about Thanksgiving last week, here's the poem. I hope you enjoy it. Black November--A turkey's lament (from the turkey's viewpoint) When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something I had to know; His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of.....Black November; "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin." "And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head. Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink." "And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing." Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat. I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked. I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the whole compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...." Jagaline--Why won't you be true? Since I am already on thin ice, I might as well go for broke and get to the middle of the pond and see how thick it is. For some strange reason, ever since Agri-Pro came out with Jagelene, I always wanted to put it's name in the old Chuck Berry song--Maybellene. You know how it goes--Maybellene, why can't you be true? Oh Maybellene, why can't you be true? You've started back doing the things you used to do. This year, we might as well say that Jagalene flopped in our area. Now it wasn't the only one. Jagger did the same thing. It's just that maybe Jagalene was a little bit worse in our fields and demonstration plots in terms of yield because it not only was hurt by the leaf rust but by powdery mildew as well. It was at the bottom. So, Jagalene--why can't you be true? I wouldn't be picking on it if it wasn't such a high yield potential wheat with a catchy name. The first year it was out, it made 100 bushels per acre in our dryland plot at Ellinwood in 2003. Notice, that was non-irrigated. It's the only wheat I have ever had make 100 bushels in a plot. It has been outstanding in other years as well. But it has been tailing off the past couple of years and that is why I am saying it isn't being true. If it would go back to doing the things it used to do like the song says, actually in this case, that would be a good thing because Jagalene started out really good. I think with some fungicide applied it can be a top notch wheat again. Date: 12/13/07
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