Home remodeling in farmer kid style

Only three more weeks until I'm an actual homeowner.

Yessir, I close on the cute little bungalow in the cute little neighborhood on May 4--seven days before my birthday. I will be a homeowner before the age of 29.

Of course, "closing" just means the real work is beginning. May the home remodeling commence.

You see I grew up on a farm where everything was either held together by baling wire, duct tape or termites holding hands and singing "Kumbaya." Therefore, I may have lower expectations when it comes to my habitation than the rest of the home buying public. I'm fully aware that what I consider "cute" and "charming" may indeed be a hovel to normal humans. But, I'm willing to learn and grow with this endeavor--that's part of the joy of homeownership.

Really, though, as long as the house has electricity, decent plumbing and no immediate danger of structural collapse I'm okay with a little renovation project here and there. Afterall, I was raised to take care of myself and to be creative in solving problems.

So, sure, the stove is an older gas model that may or may not blow up when I have to fire up the pilot light--but how much do I really need to use the stove? I can survive on microwave cuisine until I get it replaced. And, who doesn't relish a little danger in the kitchen every now and then?

And yes, the upstairs bathtub tile is crumbling in places and is that Miss-Piggy-Pepto-Bismol-Mary-Kay-on-a-bad-hair-day pink, but I can manage for a while until I can get it replaced. And, I've heard those faucet shower attachments aren't that annoying once you're used to them. It'll be just like camping!

And really, so the seller didn't disclose the minor kitchen plumbing problem under the sink, big deal. Outgoing pipes that drain directly to the sewer line are overrated anyway. I'll just deal with a bucket under the sink until I can get it fixed up properly. It's not as if my dad doesn't have a selection of five-gallon buckets to choose from, afterall.

It's the overall bones of the house that I adore, people. It's got potential.

I could blame some of my idealism on the home improvement shows that are cropping up on TV nowadays. Have you seen these? There are shows tailored towards older retirees, younger newlyweds, and of course, innocent-single-first-time-homebuyers-without-a-clue.

But, they all look alike to me. In every episode there's some really handsome carpenter guy who comes to the rescue of some idiot homeowner right before she makes a major disaster out of her renovation project. He rides in to save the day with a nail gun and a $30,000 smile. She winds up with a new bathroom, complete with whirlpool sauna, and he ends up looking like Superman in a tool belt.

Well, this is one farm girl who's not going to get suckered into the whole damsel in distress routine. Maybe I should put together my own TV show catering only to farm kids buying their first homes.

I'd call it "City Living on a Farm Budget." My premiere episode would introduce my version of the handyman superhero--Billy Bob the Builder--who sports a pair of ill-fitting jeans and a $30 smile. Our shows would tackle the usual renovation projects from a farm kid angle. We'd show how to seal windows for the winter with duct tape and fix plumbing leaks with parts scrounged from the scrap pile. And of course, we'd cover the importance of having friends on hand to dial 911 when you perform any feat involving electricity and the words "Hey ya'll, watch this!"

I can see the premiere episode now where we focus on landscaping the backyard. Of course, my show wouldn't bother with putting in a deck, or creating some la-dee-dah "water feature." Oh no, it would show how to rip up established grass and plant the backyard to alfalfa so that you could use your existing swather as a mower. Or, better yet, demonstrate the proper technique to fence the lawn off and graze a couple of bucket calves for a pet project. Now, there's a farm kid solution for you.

But, until I get that television contract I'll just have to be content with my own adventure--on the cute little bungalow in the cute little neighborhood.

Jennifer M. Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by e-mail at jlatzke@hpj.com.

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4/16/07

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Date: 4/10/07

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