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Mother's Day on the farmListen up boys. Mother's Day is only a few days away and this is your one chance to make up for that pair of insulated coveralls you gave your wife for Valentine's Day, the sorting stick you surprised her with for her birthday, and the new mud flaps you installed on her SUV for Christmas. So, in order to avoid any more embarrassing snafus on your part and to promote peace and harmony in rural America I'm going to break a cardinal "Girl Rule" and let you in on a few little secrets. For Heaven's sake, don't tell anyone I've done this. I could lose my status among the other women. (And, you have no idea how hard I worked to learn the secret handshake in the sorority of Womanhood.) But, seeing so many of you lost souls has inspired me to step in and take some action. The first lesson? Even if she says she doesn't want a big fuss, she wants a big fuss. (I'm breaking so many rules by just spilling this secret, but it has to be said.) So, if you haven't picked up a gift for your wife, don't panic. Why do you think so many farm and ranch stores have a "Gift" section? It's so that men don't have to go very far to find gifts for their women in their lives. Here's a quick tip. Find a female employee, tell her you need a gift for your wife for Mother's Day, and half of the work's done for you. The hard part is giving the employee enough details about your wife's favorites in order to select the perfect gift. Have no clue about your wife's favorite colors? Look around the house. Chances are she's decorated the living room in a color she likes. While you're there, take a look around. Does she have any collectible figurines? Women can't ever have too many collectable figurines and it's an easy point to score. Do you notice a lot of items in a common theme? Chances are if she's got a lot of items with violets on them that that might be her favorite flower. The best part is, you're just going to the farm and ranch store, so it's a place where most of you are already comfortable. And, if your buddies catch you there and try to give you a little grief, turn it right back at them and ask what they've gotten their wives. That'll quiet them down. Okay, so you've got the gift, step two is the presentation. Men, there's a few things you shouldn't try on your own. Gift wrapping is number one on the list, followed closely by self-surgery. Under no circumstances should the following items appear as "wrapping paper" -- duct tape, baling wire, a used red bandanna, or toilet paper bows. So, recruit your daughters, your nieces, your sisters, and any other female related or non-related for help. This is a case of it pays to farm a job out. Now, on the actual morning of Mother's Day, some of you more adventuresome souls may be tempted to deliver breakfast in bed to your wife. You may have grandiose visions of a tidy little bed tray with heart-shaped pancakes, a single rosebud, and steaming mug of coffee. You can see your wife's expression of joy at your thoughtfulness. The reality is, fellas, that all women would gladly trade this "treat" for a breakfast out so that she wouldn't have to face the mess you and your little helpers will inevitably leave for her to clean up in the kitchen. Also, it's not a special Mother's Day treat if she gets food poisoning from undercooked eggs. Take my advice, and make reservations for a Mother's Day brunch now. Now, this all may be a little bit scary for some of you, but hang in there. If you can castrate bull calves, you can certainly step up to the challenge of making one day memorable for the mother of your children. Oh, while you're at it, don't forget to pick up a little something for your own mother--afterall, she did go through labor for you. So, there it is, a simple plan to help you out this Mother's Day. Don't forget, this is our little secret. I'd hate to have my membership in the sorority of Womanhood revoked for spilling a few trade secrets--I'm rather fond of the cool benefits. Jennifer M. Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by e-mail at jlatzke@hpj.com. Date: 4/25/06
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