Rules of the Communication Age

Ahh, the mobile phone. How did we ever farm and ranch without it?

Like any useful technology, though, there comes a price of responsibility. It's only useful if it's used wisely. Most people agree that cell phones are annoying contrivances in the urban landscape. Afterall, it's irksome to listen to a one-sided cell phone love-fest about "who loves whom more" while you're waiting in line at the grocery store. But, no one has addressed the peculiar rules that should apply to agricultural folks when they're using their cell phones in public.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Latzke's Commandments for Farmer Cell Phone Use. Remember, these are just guidelines--feel free to add your own.

The cell phone should be turned on at all times. It's like I keep telling my own parents, it's only going to be a useful communication tool if it's turned ON and occasionally answered.

The ringer must be set at a decibel level louder than a diesel engine, or on a vibration setting that could easily rock you out of a pickup cab. Again, it's only useful if you are able to know it's ringing and can answer it. Farmers and ranchers aren't known for their excellent hearing capabilities. So, make sure you know when your phone is ringing. If need be, have your teenage son or daughter program a specialized ring tone that can easily be distinguished. My personal favorite? The theme to "Dukes of Hazzard."

A glaring exception to this commandment, though, is in the case of important producer meetings, church services, romantic dinners with the spouse at the Sonic drive-in, and in the middle of your daughter's graduation ceremony. A good rule to follow, if you are in a place where everyone's wearing a tie and you'd rather whisper than shout, "What?!? I can't hear you. Did you say she's prolapsed?" then you should turn off the ringer and let the voice mail take the message. The other wedding or funeral guests would appreciate your sensitivity.

Voice mail should be checked and checked often. If it was important enough for someone to leave you a message, it's important enough for you to hear said message and return the call in a timely manner. For example, if your wife leaves a message for you to pick up your children after school and instead you come home from town without them, she's going to be upset that you didn't check your voice mail. Don't say you weren't warned.

The cell phone should be charged at all times. This means that there should be chargers in every vehicle, in the machine shed, the calving barn, in the tack room and inside the house. There's no excuse for a dead battery when you need your phone in an emergency.

Those with photo features on their cell phones are not allowed to share pictures of lanced boils, cancer eye, or other such nauseating animal health crises during mealtime. Likewise, please do not hold loud cell phone conversations in public about preg-checking, pulling semen, or calf scours. Your tablemates and the rest of the cafe diners will thank you.

If a cell phone is dropped in the feeder cattle pen and trod upon by a potload of calves, it is acceptable to pick up the larger pieces, hold them in a Ziplock baggie, and take into the cell phone store for a replacement. Nine times out of ten, the customer service associate won't even hassle you about annoying replacement clauses in your insurance policy. By the way, one should always buy the insurance policy for the cell phone.

For everyone's safety, please do not attempt to argue with your spouse over your cell phone while speeding down a muddy country lane, and simultaneously eating lunch and chasing an errant herd bull. Also, if you're attempting to cut bull calves, back a gooseneck trailer, operate a tractor loader, or are in any proximity to a PTO shaft, please do not chat on your cell phone at the same time. The conversation can wait, your safety comes first.

Follow these simple guidelines and not only will you be connected to the wired world, but you'll be a shining example of responsible cell phone use and the envy of the community.

And, at the very least, you won't get any glares from annoyed patrons in the express line.

Jennifer Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by e-mail at jlatzke@hpj.com.

Date: 1/31/06

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