I find ways to amuse myself when I'm on the road.

Mostly, I find it highly entertaining to notice the other diners around me when I stop in a local cafe or truck stop for a meal. I don't try to be snoopy, but I just casually observe human behavior in order to gain sociological insights.

And, it makes for great material for my columns.

Time and time again--no matter what part of the country--I've noticed that at the dinner table there is an imbalance of power among long-time married couples, especially if the husband is on a strict doctor-ordered diet to fix a health condition. These are the folks I love to see in a diner. Invariably, the event of ordering a simple meal is taken to new lengths when a husband tries getting any of his "diet no-nos" past his concerned wife. It sounds a little like this:

Waitress: "Sir, would you like the soup or the salad with your steak?"

Husband: "I guess I'll have the salad."

Waitress: "Okay, what kind of dressing? We have French, Italian, Thousand Island, or Fat Free Ranch."

Husband: "I don't know. Louise, what kind of dressing do I like?"

Wife: "You want the Fat Free Ranch dressing."

Husband: "Is that the white stuff?"

Wife: "Yes, dear."

Husband: "I think I'm in the mood for the orange stuff, which one is that?"

Wife: "That's the Thousand Island, but you know you shouldn't have it. You're watching your diet, remember?"

Husband: "Oh, a little won't hurt me."

Wife: (In a warning tone) "Charles."

Husband: (Resignedly and with a wistful look) "I'll have the Fat Free Ranch."

Waitress: "How would you like your potato?"

Husband: "Give me a baked potato and load it up."

Wife: "Charles...."

Husband: (With a sigh) "Better make it butter and sour cream on the side."

Waitress: "And, what would you like to drink tonight?"

Husband: "I'll have a large cola."

Wife: "Charles..."

Husband: (With a frustrated sigh) Oh all right, make it an unsweetened ice tea."

Maybe the funniest exchange I've had the privilege of listening in on happened the other day at a local truck stop at lunchtime. There was a gentleman in the booth next to mine who was obviously a regular customer and a waitress favorite. He sat in the booth for a while perusing the menu like a man on the verge of a long-awaited reward. Finally, he waived over the waitress and proceeded to give her his order.

Man: "I'll have the double chili cheeseburger--extra greasy--large fries, a liter of Coke and a hunk of chocolate pie."

Waitress: "Harold, are you sure you want to order all that? You know your wife Charlene would not approve of this. Think about your cholesterol levels, your sodium intake and your diet. I just don't think she'd want you eating all that."

Man: "Now you listen here, Alice. Charlene isn't with me today, she's running errands with her sister. I've been working hard this morning, and today I'm gonna eat what I want to. What she doesn't know ain't gonna hurt me."

Waitress: "Fine Harold, but I thought you should know that Charlene and her sister are in the back room having lunch before they go to their appointments at the beauty salon. You know we have strict orders from her as to what you're allowed from the menu and I don't want to rock the boat. But, if you really want your double chili cheeseburger...."

Man: (Resignedly and with a little sigh) "I'll have the chef's salad, with Fat Free Ranch dressing on the side, a bran muffin for dessert, and an unsweetened iced tea."

Waitress: "You're a good man, Harold."

Jennifer Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by e-mail at jlatzke@hpj.com.

Date: 3/30/05