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When words become weapons: Verbal abuse
Missouri
We know the statistics about domestic violence. But do we realize that all battering begins with some kind of verbal aggression or verbal abuse? Physical abuse is easy to identify and assess--you can't ignore a black eye or a broken bone. But verbal abuse is difficult to measure. Verbal abuse can be a weapon used by either partner in a couple or with children. Men, women, and children can equally be victims of verbal abuse even though the reason for the abuse or its expression may differ.
Given that verbal abuse nearly always precedes physical action, this article focuses on the frequent attack of words some victims experience.
What is verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is a systematic way of instilling self-doubt in the victim and building the abuser's sense of total power. Verbal conflict is an open verbal argument that stems from anger and rage, and one that seeks to control a situation not an individual.
Verbal abuse is sometimes disguised as "good natured" humor or "pet names." But the victim of verbal assaults knows exactly what they are. By the tone of voice and words, the victim cannot mistake the hurt and embarrassment they experience. The victim frequently tries harder to explain and to understand what was said (or meant to say). They try to be understood and to determine what they did wrong.
The end result is a victim who tries to communicate, but the attempts are useless because the assailant works at keeping the victim confused and "unbalanced."
Author Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, offers examples of verbal weapons that control:
--Withholding: Refusing to share any ideas, feelings, intimacy, thoughts, and dreams.
--Countering: Disputing the partner's thoughts, feelings, perception, and experiences, arguing any point or idea.
--Verbal abuse disguised as jokes: Telling jokes about the victim that humiliate and embarrass.
--Blocking and diverting: Verbally creating barriers to victim's efforts to communicate; changing the conversation to gain control.
--Accusing and blaming: Blaming the victim for the abuse which excuses the abuser's actions.
--Judging and criticizing: Putting down the victim's thoughts, actions, or feelings.
--Trivializing: Pretending that the victim's opinions, actions, thoughts, or concerns don't count or are trivial.
--Undermining: Eroding the self-confidence and self-esteem of the victim.
--Threatening: Implying harm to the partner's well-being.
--Name calling: Stripping away the victim's identity and replacing it with a foul name.
--Chronic forgetting: Regularly "forgets" appointments, agreements, and incidents.
--Ordering and commanding: Obvious displays of power and control.
--Denial of anger or abuse: Denying the victim's reality and the abuser's fault.
--Abusive anger: Aggressive outbursts that threaten and may escalate to physical abuse.
Any of these verbal weapons used regularly, separately, or together erode self-esteem and the capacity to act independently. They are methods to manipulate, weaken, and control the victim. They create shame and humiliation.
Date: 3/4/04
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