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The devil went down to Kansas
I'm not a big fan of Wheat harvest. Call me un-American, but I've never enjoyed the heat, the dust and the chaos the season brings. Most of my childhood memories of the season center on the 1960-something, no-air conditioning, barely holding-together Wheat truck with the gray plastic seats as hot as the sun's surface. Murphy's law taunted us with broken-down antique machinery and gathering storm clouds every year. It's a wonder I don't develop a facial tick in the beginning of each June. Remember the Biblical story of Job? Well, I like to think all of my family's Wheat harvest troubles can be explained in a similar fashion. Imagine the conversation between God and Satan as they toyed with Farmer Latzke's sanity year after year. Satan: (Bounding up to the Pearly Gates) Hey God, it's June again, and You know what that means! Wheat harvest with the Latzkes, or as I like to call it, "Demon Summer Training Camp." How about our usual standing bet? I've got a new slate of rookies just waiting to take a crack at them. God: (In exasperation.) Oh, give it up, boy. In nearly 40 years of farming, you have yet to make a dent in his faith. The 'trick' you pulled on them last year was incredibly amateur. Satan: Oh really? Even You have to admit that stealing the toolbox out of that 'ole boy's truck while he was cutting Wheat in the same field was inspiration. And, the fool made it so tempting by parking the truck right alongside the road for easy access! (He chuckles.) God: That may be, but you didn't plan on the insurance policy covering the entire loss, did you? And, he ended up with better tools than he had in the beginning, so I think he got the better end of that little trick. Satan: (Whining.) That was a sneaky defensive maneuver, I'll say. I never imagined a Kansas Wheat farmer would be fully insured. But still, Latzke should have learned from the year before that. Remember how I got those teenagers to take a joyride in his fully loaded Wheat truck? Once again, the truck was right there on the edge of the field next to the road with the keys in the ignition, better than a sign in the window. The temptation was too much for the kids and all my boys had to do was sit back and watch the fun. God: Now, that was just cruel. The vandalizing was way over the line, and with the poor brakes on that one truck, it's a wonder no one got hurt! Thankfully, I made sure there wasn't any damage that couldn't be fixed and the kids didn't dump the Wheat on the ground. The police found the truck with my angel team's help and Latzke ended up recouping his losses, so no harm, no foul. You lost again that time. Satan: Okay, okay, I'll give you those, but my all-time favorite would have to be the year the combine caught fire in the field. That little episode was pure genius. My boys were really 'cooking' on that one. (He giggles at his own pun.) God: I have to admit, Latzke's guardian angel was a bit pushed on that trick. Fortunately, though, he had a charged fire extinguisher and the sense to pull the combine over to the harvested portion of the field. It took a team of White Halo Angel Forces, but not a grain of standing Wheat was harmed. And, Latzke walked away without a singed eyebrow. Not to mention that his friends and neighbors pitched in and helped him bring in the last of the crop. Admit it, Satan, you'll never be able to break him. He's lasted through drought and floods, hail and poor crop prices. When will you learn? Satan: (In exasperation.) Just give me one reason why You always win! God: Well, haven't you heard of an LDP? Satan: What does the farm bill have to do with this? God: No, no, not that one. Latzke's covered by his LDP--Loving Deity Protector. Have a safe harvest everyone. Remember, keep the fire extinguishers charged and handy at all times; lock up equipment and tools at the end of the day; pay your insurance premiums; and it never hurts to be up-to-date with your "LDP." Jennifer Latzke can be reached by phone at 620-227-1807, or by email at jlatzke@hpj.com. Date: 6/15/04
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